Change Yourself - Change The World

“I wanted to change the world. But I have found that the only thing one can be sure of changing is oneself.” -Aldous Huxley

For many of us, it's easier to look outside ourselves and see what needs to be changed in the world, or in other people.  How many times have you thought "If so-and-so would just do xyz, then everything would be fine."?

It's true that we do not have the power to make others (or the world as a whole) change in a specific way.  We only hold the power to choose how we would like to change ourselves.

However, by changing ourselves, we are changing the world.  This is true in several ways:

1. By definition, we are part of "the world."  If I change, the world is not the same as it was, hence the world has changed.
2. When I change the way I interact with you, it forces you to change in response.  I cannot necessarily predict how you will change, but certainly our interaction will be different if I am different.

As each of us makes conscious choices to change, the world cannot help but be changed.

As it was put so eloquently by Mahatma Gandhi, "Be the change you want to see in the world."

Changing the Fabric of Your Thought

“He who cannot change the very fabric of his thought will never be able to change reality, and will never, therefore, make any progress.” -Anwar Sadat

A friend shared this quote recently, and it really resonated with me and the work that I do.

Cognitive therapy, mindfulness, law of attraction and many spiritual beliefs all hinge on the idea that our thoughts create our reality.  They can't all be wrong!  By changing our thoughts, we can change our experience of life.

As I frequently explain to clients, any given event is neutral; it has no intrinsic meaning.  It has only the meaning that we give it.  As long was we stay stuck in old thought patterns that attribute meaning that bring suffering to us, we will not be able to change our reality to something we might prefer.

This is true of communication between two or more people, as well.  As long as we attribute motivations to others that create a negative experience for us, we cannot move into a place of changing and growing those relationships.  We are destined to stay stuck in a place we do not like very much.

It thrills me to know that we each have the power to alter how we experience any given event or interaction.  How great it is that!?

Is it Time to Break the Pattern?

Many times what brings clients in to work with me is that they are stuck in a pattern of behavior that is no longer working for them.  One pattern I see on a regular basis is the client doesn't like conflict, and so they avoid it or accommodate the other person.  Of course their needs don't get met this way. Over time they become resentful and eventually reach a point where they just can't take it anymore and choose to leave.

This may happen primarily in one situation (perhaps at work), or may be more pervasive, occurring throughout most relationships.  Regardless, the client comes to realize that they have a pattern and the way they are handling conflict is a not working for them.

Sometimes it is difficult to acknowledge that our way of coping doesn't work.  It can make us feel wrong, or feel stupid to continue doing something that doesn't work.

I remind people that the strategy did work at one point in time, or they would not have developed the habit of dealing with similar situations in that way. We don't repeat behavior that doesn't work the first time (usually).

It's helpful to acknowledge that this behavior did serve you at some time in the past, just no longer.  When you are able to accept that your old ways no longer work, you can open yourself to find new ways that do work.

Thoughts Create Emotions

As promised, here are my thoughts about happiness and choosing our thoughts about any given event.

Events are neutral, there is no universal “right” way to interpret or react to any event or circumstance.  What we choose to tell ourselves about the meaning of an event leads to how we feel about it.  By changing the meaning we make of it, we change our feeling about it.

For example, let’s say I was laid off from my job.  If the meaning I make of this is that  my employer viewed me as incompetent or not valuable, I may feel angry or resentful towards my employer, as well as feeling not good enough as a person.

If the meaning I make of this occurrence is that my employer selected me to be laid off because they viewed me as being the most able to find another job, and this reduced their discomfort at having let someone go, then I will more likely feel grateful and appreciated and confident that I have something valuable to offer another employer.

Or, I can choose to view this situation as something that says absolutely nothing about me as person, that it truly is a neutral event that has nothing to do with me personally.  The company needed to reduce by a certain number of employees, they chose to do that in a way that I may or may not understand or agree with, and it means nothing about my value or worth as a person or an employee – positive or negative.  It’s not about me, it’s about them.

Now, this does not mean that you will not have emotions such as fear about loss of income or sadness at loss of social contact with co-workers.  But when we don’t take it personally, or choose to view the situation overall in a positive light, accepting and feeling these other emotions is much easier.  And addressing the situation in which we find ourselves is easier, too.

In the above scenario, imagine how much easier it will be to focus on finding a new job if you believe the layoff is neutral or positive about you as a person.  You will feel confident of your abilities and value and can focus on the tasks required to find a new job.

On the other hand, if you are feeling angry, resentful and not good enough, a lot of the energy you could have used for job seeking will be spent on beating yourself (or your employer) up in your thoughts.

What do you think?  Do you agree with this idea?  What objections or questions arise in you when you consider this idea?

Laura Allan is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor Associate and Certified Professional Coach with a private practice in the Wallingford neighborhood of Seattle.  You may visit her website at www.LauraAllanCounseling.com. 

Posted via email from lauraallancounseling's posterous

A busy day!

I've had quite a busy day today getting my son ready to head off for three weeks in the wilderness tomorrow.  So many last minute things to get from the provided equipment list!  Who knew that "roughing it" required so much stuff!

Posted via email from lauraallancounseling's posterous

The Winds of Change

The past 24 hours in Seattle has seen some interesting weather.  As I was lying in bed last night listening to the wind storming outside, I was thinking of how much I love the wind - how exhilarating a good, strong wind feels to me. I also started thinking about how wind is not always a positive thing: hurricanes and tornadoes can be extremely destructive.  I realized that wind can be a metaphor for change (and given that the title of this posting is a very old saying, I'm obviously not the first to come up with that).

The same traits that make wind exciting rather than fear provoking can be true for change, as well.  First is our attitude.  If we view the change as something we enjoy, even revel in, we are more likely to be excited and exhilarated by it.  Similarly, the more flexible we are, the more we can "bend in the wind," the more able we are to withstand a change that may end up being a little more impactful than we expected.

When we see a tornado looming on the horizon, however, we become fearful.  This can be a change that is something we don't want, or feels too big for us to handle. Fear can make us rigid, which makes it more difficult to "bend in the wind."  We may feel that this storm will destroy us, and we can become anxious and/or depressed.

The key to weathering the hurricanes and tornadoes is preparation.  Just as homeowners board up their windows when a hurricane is forecast, or build their home with a storm cellar if they live in tornado prone areas, we can shore up our internal homes and make it more likely for them to withstand the onslaught of a hurricane or tornado.

Hurricanes and tornadoes are unpredictable.  We never know for sure when one may come our way, we only know that in each our lives it is likely there will be times when they do.  Working on your emotional flexibility and stamina prior to the event can help us weather the storm when it arrives.

The Complaint Free World Challenge

I recently read the book:  A Complaint Free World: How to Stop Complaining and Start Enjoying the Life You Always Wanted by Will Bowen, and decided that I wanted to do the 21 day "complaint free challenge" the author talks about in the book.  The idea is that you try to go 21 days in a row with complaining, criticizing or gossiping, if you do any of these things you begin again your 21 days.  You wear a bracelet that you switch to the other wrist each time you have to start over, to help you remember your goal. Mr. Bowen says that the average time for someone to successfully complete the 21 consecutive days is about 4 months.

I have been attempting to reach the 21 days since February 14th.  So far the longest I've gone without starting over is 7 days.  This is harder than it looks!  I thought it would be a piece of cake.  I've spent many years paying attention to my thoughts, and so I imagined that just monitoring what I actually said aloud would be much easier than it has turned out to be.

This has been a great exercise in awareness.  What I've learned is that I use complaining as a way to engage with others (the author talks about this in his second book, Complaint Free Relationships: How to Positively Transform Your Personal, Work, and Love Relationships).  It's amazing to realize how often we interject complaints into our conversations in order to connect with others.  I've found that I do it with my hairdresser, my acupuncturist and my friends.  Sometimes it is initiated by me, and sometimes I join in with complaints from others just to be sociable.

On the surface these seem like innocuous interactions: complaining about politicians, criticizing "others" we don't know personally who don't share our views, and other interactions that aren't directly hurtful to another person.  However...they are hurtful to us.  Engaging in conversations that focus on the negative leads our thoughts to be of the negative - what is wrong in the world - rather than what is right.

The 21 day challenge has been eye-opening for me in just how insidious this negative perspective is in our culture - and in myself.  I'm continuing to work hard at making it 21 days without complaining, criticizing or gossiping.  I invite you to join me!