Gratitude => Happiness = Happy Thanksgiving

Expressing gratitude makes me feel good.  I feel happier when I'm focused on all the gifts in my life. I've discovered that the more I look for things in my life for which I'm thankful, the more things I find!  The more I give thanks, the happier I am.

Do you think that taking time on a regular basis to express gratitude for your own blessings is something that would help you be happier?

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.  Use this opportunity of the whole country being focused on giving thanks to set an intention to express your gratitude daily for the next year.  Then see how you feel come next Thanksgiving Day. I have no doubt you will be happier, even if you're already happy.

So, start a gratitude journal where you record 5 things every day for which you are grateful. Or start a ritual of giving thanks before each meal.  Use your daily walk, run or elliptical time to list everything you're grateful for in your mind.  However you choose to implement it, do give thanks daily and notice the difference it makes in your life.

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Laura Allan, MA, LMHC, CPC LinkedIn
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Lessons from waiting for the Sears repairman

Last week my washer started leaking. I scheduled an appointment with Sears to come and see why. Of course they can only give a 4 hour window of when they will arrive, but you can call on the day of the appointment to get it narrowed down. So, my window was from 8am to noon. I called at 7 that morning and was told the repairman would be there between 11:30 and noon. They also told me he would call when he was on the way.

Okay, I would have preferred to be on the earlier end of that 4 hour window, but at least I knew what to expect and could plan my morning accordingly. When 11:30 rolled around and I hadn't receive a call, nor had the repairman shown up, I called again to get an update.

I was told that an appointment took longer than expected and he would now arrive between 12:30 and 1:45. Well...I was pretty upset about this change, to put it mildly. After allowing myself to spin for a while on the same thoughts that were making me upset, I thought perhaps I should take my own advice, and apply some of the tools I teach to clients.

Using the basic concept of cognitive therapy, which is that our thoughts about an event create our emotions related to that event, I took a look at what I was telling myself.  What it boiled down to was that I felt unimportant, that my needs (and time) didn’t matter and that I had no choice but to put up with being treated badly by Sears.

I then came up with alternative ways to look at this situation.  Sure, it would have been nice to get a call that the repairman was running late, but separate from that I really did understand that they cannot predict how long any given service call will take; i.e. it didn’t mean that they thought my time was unimportant.  They are running a business, and trying to provide this service in the most cost effective way possible.

Secondly, I did have other choices.  I don’t have to use Sears’ repair service (and believe me, initially my self-talk was that I never would again).  I could have chosen at that point to cancel my appointment and schedule with another plumber or handyman instead.  For convenience sake, I chose not to.  But it was a choice, my choice.

After going through this process, I did feel better.  I still didn’t like that I had to wait around for a couple more hours, but I didn’t feel nearly as upset about it.  It also helped that when the repairman arrived, he was friendly and helpful.  I found out that he had to drive from Carnation (I live in Seattle) and he could have been just as grumpy as I had been feeling, but he wasn’t.

Additionally, I discovered that my tweets on Twitter had been picked up by Sears (isn’t technology something?), and they called me to see how they could make things right.  Of course they couldn’t give me back the extra time it cost out of my day, but I did get someone to listen to me and my pain, which I think was all I really wanted anyway.

Change Yourself - Change The World

“I wanted to change the world. But I have found that the only thing one can be sure of changing is oneself.” -Aldous Huxley

For many of us, it's easier to look outside ourselves and see what needs to be changed in the world, or in other people.  How many times have you thought "If so-and-so would just do xyz, then everything would be fine."?

It's true that we do not have the power to make others (or the world as a whole) change in a specific way.  We only hold the power to choose how we would like to change ourselves.

However, by changing ourselves, we are changing the world.  This is true in several ways:

1. By definition, we are part of "the world."  If I change, the world is not the same as it was, hence the world has changed.
2. When I change the way I interact with you, it forces you to change in response.  I cannot necessarily predict how you will change, but certainly our interaction will be different if I am different.

As each of us makes conscious choices to change, the world cannot help but be changed.

As it was put so eloquently by Mahatma Gandhi, "Be the change you want to see in the world."

Is it Time to Break the Pattern?

Many times what brings clients in to work with me is that they are stuck in a pattern of behavior that is no longer working for them.  One pattern I see on a regular basis is the client doesn't like conflict, and so they avoid it or accommodate the other person.  Of course their needs don't get met this way. Over time they become resentful and eventually reach a point where they just can't take it anymore and choose to leave.

This may happen primarily in one situation (perhaps at work), or may be more pervasive, occurring throughout most relationships.  Regardless, the client comes to realize that they have a pattern and the way they are handling conflict is a not working for them.

Sometimes it is difficult to acknowledge that our way of coping doesn't work.  It can make us feel wrong, or feel stupid to continue doing something that doesn't work.

I remind people that the strategy did work at one point in time, or they would not have developed the habit of dealing with similar situations in that way. We don't repeat behavior that doesn't work the first time (usually).

It's helpful to acknowledge that this behavior did serve you at some time in the past, just no longer.  When you are able to accept that your old ways no longer work, you can open yourself to find new ways that do work.

Thoughts Create Emotions

As promised, here are my thoughts about happiness and choosing our thoughts about any given event.

Events are neutral, there is no universal “right” way to interpret or react to any event or circumstance.  What we choose to tell ourselves about the meaning of an event leads to how we feel about it.  By changing the meaning we make of it, we change our feeling about it.

For example, let’s say I was laid off from my job.  If the meaning I make of this is that  my employer viewed me as incompetent or not valuable, I may feel angry or resentful towards my employer, as well as feeling not good enough as a person.

If the meaning I make of this occurrence is that my employer selected me to be laid off because they viewed me as being the most able to find another job, and this reduced their discomfort at having let someone go, then I will more likely feel grateful and appreciated and confident that I have something valuable to offer another employer.

Or, I can choose to view this situation as something that says absolutely nothing about me as person, that it truly is a neutral event that has nothing to do with me personally.  The company needed to reduce by a certain number of employees, they chose to do that in a way that I may or may not understand or agree with, and it means nothing about my value or worth as a person or an employee – positive or negative.  It’s not about me, it’s about them.

Now, this does not mean that you will not have emotions such as fear about loss of income or sadness at loss of social contact with co-workers.  But when we don’t take it personally, or choose to view the situation overall in a positive light, accepting and feeling these other emotions is much easier.  And addressing the situation in which we find ourselves is easier, too.

In the above scenario, imagine how much easier it will be to focus on finding a new job if you believe the layoff is neutral or positive about you as a person.  You will feel confident of your abilities and value and can focus on the tasks required to find a new job.

On the other hand, if you are feeling angry, resentful and not good enough, a lot of the energy you could have used for job seeking will be spent on beating yourself (or your employer) up in your thoughts.

What do you think?  Do you agree with this idea?  What objections or questions arise in you when you consider this idea?

Laura Allan is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor Associate and Certified Professional Coach with a private practice in the Wallingford neighborhood of Seattle.  You may visit her website at www.LauraAllanCounseling.com. 

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The Winds of Change

The past 24 hours in Seattle has seen some interesting weather.  As I was lying in bed last night listening to the wind storming outside, I was thinking of how much I love the wind - how exhilarating a good, strong wind feels to me. I also started thinking about how wind is not always a positive thing: hurricanes and tornadoes can be extremely destructive.  I realized that wind can be a metaphor for change (and given that the title of this posting is a very old saying, I'm obviously not the first to come up with that).

The same traits that make wind exciting rather than fear provoking can be true for change, as well.  First is our attitude.  If we view the change as something we enjoy, even revel in, we are more likely to be excited and exhilarated by it.  Similarly, the more flexible we are, the more we can "bend in the wind," the more able we are to withstand a change that may end up being a little more impactful than we expected.

When we see a tornado looming on the horizon, however, we become fearful.  This can be a change that is something we don't want, or feels too big for us to handle. Fear can make us rigid, which makes it more difficult to "bend in the wind."  We may feel that this storm will destroy us, and we can become anxious and/or depressed.

The key to weathering the hurricanes and tornadoes is preparation.  Just as homeowners board up their windows when a hurricane is forecast, or build their home with a storm cellar if they live in tornado prone areas, we can shore up our internal homes and make it more likely for them to withstand the onslaught of a hurricane or tornado.

Hurricanes and tornadoes are unpredictable.  We never know for sure when one may come our way, we only know that in each our lives it is likely there will be times when they do.  Working on your emotional flexibility and stamina prior to the event can help us weather the storm when it arrives.

Master Your Emotions!

Do you sometimes feel like your emotions are running your life?  Do you react rather than respond?  Do you get triggered easily?  Do you push difficult emotions away only to have them pop up and bite you (i.e. surface at an inappropriate time) in the end?  Do you feel that your life would be easier if you managed your emotions rather than the other way around?  If so...read on.

First a little education about emotions and how they work.  Our emotions are created by the thoughts we think, what we tell ourselves about what is happening around us.  This can be concsious, or quite frequently an automatic thought - something we've conditioned ourselves to think about a given situation.

Emotions act something like waves in the ocean.  You may have noticed that a wave starts from flat sea, builds up to a peak, then subsides.  Emotions act much like this.  If we feel an emotion building within us and simply allow ourselves to feel it, it will peak and utltimately subside.  This is the natural way of emotions.

However, when we get caught up in the thoughts that created the emotion and perpetuate them, we fuel the continuation of that state of emotion.  Conversely, if we feel the emotion beginning to build and then shut it off before it flows through it's cycle, it will build and build until it overflows - frequently at an inconvenient time.

So, how do we "master our emotions", as advertised in the title of this piece? 

1. Allow your emotions to come into existence, build and subside without becoming fearful and fueling them, or trying to suppress them.  Simply notice what is happening and let the feeling move through you until it subsides.
2. If you notice that you are having emotions that are inapproprate or out of proportion to a given situation, pay attention to what you are telling yourself just before you feel that emotion.  Examine those thoughts for if they are appropriate to the current situation.  You may find that you are really reacting because the situation reminds you of something that has happened earlier in your life, not what is happening now.  Change your thoughts in those situations to something that more accurately represents what is currently happening.

Emotions are wonderful sources of information for us; they tell us that we need to pay attention to something.  Mastering your emotions is not about suppressing them, but rather it's about allowing them to ebb and flow naturally, and noticing what they are trying to tell you.

The Power of Our Thoughts

"If we have a positive mental attitude, then even when surrounded by hostility, we shall not lack inner peace. On the other hand, if our mental attitude is more negative, influenced by fear, suspicion, helplessness, or self-loathing, then even when surrounded by our best friends, in a nice atmosphere and comfortable surroundings, we shall not be happy." - The Dalai Lama

Over the past several months many books and other resources have come to me that continue to reinforce my belief in the power of positive thinking.  I was first exposed to cognitive therapy about 22 years ago.  I was experiencing a mild depression that had been going on for about a year.  My therapist recommended using David Burns' book "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy," and I found it extremely useful.

Since then I have been reminded of how our thoughts create our experience in many different ways.  This, of course, is the basis for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which has proven to be effective for the treatment of depression and anxiety. 

The important thing to understand is that any given event is neutral, it is the meaning that we make of the event - what we think about the event - that creates the emotions we feel.  By changing our thoughts, we can change how we feel. 

Taking this a step further, the Law of Attraction says that what we think also creates what manifests in our lives in the future.  For some of you this may feel a little "out there," so another way to look at it is that we draw to us what we focus on.  It is human nature to see the things that support our beliefs, and to be blind to things that do not.  When we change our focus, we change what we see, or notice.

There are several books and resources that have recently found their way to me (as well as some old favorites) and continue to reinforce the power of our thoughts from both a therapy or mental health perspective, as well as a personal an spiritual growth perspective:

Take Your Vitamin D!

You may wonder why a psychotherapist is concerned about your Vitamin D level. Did you know that one of the side effects of a Vitamin D deficiency can be depression?  When I see clients who report feeling down for a period of time, one of the first things I have them do is get there Vitamind D level checked.


As most of you probably know, those of us in the northern latitudes are Vitamin D deprived, since our bodies take in Vitamin D through exposure to sun.  Given the beautiful, sunny day we had yesterday in Seattle, you may be thinking that you're good on the Vitamind D front.  Even though we're heading into spring now, and then summer, we still cannot get the needed amount of Vitamin D purely through exposure to sun.

This is partly because we live so far north.  And, we add to the problem by our use of sunscreen.  Yes, using sunscreen prevents our bodies from properly absorbing Vitamin D.  Let's see, skin cancer vs. Vitamin D deficiency...it's probably wise to use the sunscreen AND take a Vitamin D supplement.

My own naturopath is now prescribing up to 10,000 units per day of Vitamin D supplement for some patients.  That's how much I'm taking myself.  For several years I was taking 2,000 per day, and when I was tested last summer (yes, even in the summer) I was still significantly deficient.

So, the next time you're at your doctor's office, have them test your Vitamin D level, then recommend the appropriate amount for you to take.  It can make a world of difference in how you feel emotionally.

Patience, Love and Letting Go

"The webs we create around ourselves need to be unwound. If you have ever untangled a ball of string, you know that yanking and pulling only makes it worse. You need to very gently and patiently unravel the knots. Be gentle and patient with yourself as you untangle your own mental knots. Get help if you need it. Above all, love yourself in the process. The willingness to let go of the old is the key."

I love this quote.  It reminds me that working too hard at something, pretty much anything, can be counterproductive.  Patiently and gently moving in the right direction is much more effective, not to mention much less traumatic. 

When we are in distress or wanting to make changes within ourselves, we can get very impatient and rough with ourselves.  We frequently just want to be done with whatever it is an move on, and can be very critical and blaming to ourselves if it doesn't happen immediately. 

We first need to come to terms with whatever has occurred in the past that is keeping us stuck.  We cannot let it go (i.e. forgive ourselves or others) if we continue to blame ourselves or someone else for what happened.  We want to learn to accept that this "thing" has happened, and then we can let it go and move forward.  It is more useful, not to mention feels much better, to meet ourselves with love and understanding.

CBT and Intentions

For a while now I have been working with setting intentions in my life and experiencing them manifesting. I've also used Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) successfully not only in my own life, but with clients. I had recognized for some time the connection between these things, but yesterday it just so happened that I was doing some CBT training and also attended an Intention Circle, so their relationship to one another is very much in my mind.

In addition, yesterday I was also doing some prep work for the Career Enhancement class I will be teaching beginning in September. As I mentioned in a previous entry, taking a similar class was instrumental in my choice of my current career. At that time setting my intention about changing my career also made the end result (my current career) possible.

What I am reminded of every time I attend an Intention Circle (check out Meetup.com in Seattle if you're interested) is how every thought I have is an implicit intention. If I wake up in the morning and think "I hate this rain. It always makes me feel depressed." then guess what -I'm going to be depressed today. In CBT I would then change this thought to a positive thought like "I'm happy to see the rain; the poor plants really need it." and I am setting my intention to enjoy what is rather than be miserable about what is. If I can't change it, why let it affect me negatively?

Which leads to the basic premise of CBT: my thoughts determine my emotions. Many people have heard that we each choose how we feel, but many people either don't believe that or just don't get it. In my next entry I'll talk a little about choosing how we feel and owning our emotions.