Stress Can Help You Be Happier

Are you kidding me?  That's probably what went through your head when you read the title of this blog post.  Nope, not kidding!

When you use stress as a way of learning about yourself, it leads to being happier.  All emotions serve a purpose. They provide information about what's working, and what's not working for us. Just like physical pain is a warning signal that there's something wrong in our body, emotional pain (stress in this case) is a warning signal that something's not quite right for us emotionally.

When you're feeling stressed, stop for a minute. I know it's hard because stress is frequently all about what needs to be done, what hasn't been done, what isn't getting done. It can feel even more stressful just to stop for this moment. But trust that this stop has a purpose, and one that will leave you feeling less stressed.

Start by tuning into your fear. Stress and fear (or anxiety if that word feels more comfortable) go hand in hand. What is your ultimate fear about the situation that is causing you stress? Are you afraid that if your holiday dinner doesn't turn out perfectly that others will judge you as not good enough? Are you worried that if you don't get everything done on your to-do list that you will be seen as a failure - even if only by yourself?  Are you stressing about a conflict with a friend and fearing that they think you're a bad person?

Are you stressed out about getting your kids to all their activities without having to leave work early? You might be worried that you can't be both a perfect parent and a perfect employee; you will have to fail on one front in order to be successful on the other.

Are you starting to see the common thread in a lot of these fears? They are frequently about perfectionism, and your fear that not being perfect will lead to you being judged as less-than by yourself and others.

Don't believe me? Think about something that is causing stress in your life right now. When you follow the thread all the way to your ultimate fear of what might happen, isn't it always about not being good enough, being rejected, being viewed as a failure?

So how does understanding this about stress lead to being happier?  One of the keys to happiness is being centered in the knowledge that you are enough, you are good enough, just as you are.  Stress clues you in to the times when you have moved away from being in that grounded place of good-enough.

Stress gives you the opportunity to stop, take a look at your fears, and realize that they are all unfounded. You may burn the holiday dinner, but that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. You may fall behind at work for a variety of reasons, but that doesn't mean that you are a failure. You may have an argument with a friend (you may even say some things that you regret), but doesn't mean that at your core you are a bad person.

Remembering that you are already good enough can reduce your stress by allowing you to let go of the fear. Then you are able to deal with whatever the situation is with a clearer head, and in a more rational way. Your vision of what to do about it will not be clouded by your need to prove that you're really okay - because you already know that.

We all make mistakes, we all have difficult situations. None of that means a thing about our value as a human being. We are all already perfect human beings. When you can remember this in a time of stress, you will be happier.

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Laura Allan, MA, LMHC, CPC LinkedIn
Live. Learn. Grow

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206-285-7285

www.LauraAllanCounseling.com
Laura@LauraAllanCounseling.com

Authenticity: The Ultimate Antidote to Anxiety Created by Perfectionism

The first guidepost in “The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are ,” and the primary way to battle perfectionism is authenticity. Being authentic means being who you really are, not who (you believe) others expect you to be, or who you think you should be.  Authenticity is an admirable – and very useful - goal, but can be very difficult for perfectionists because we believe that who we really are is not good enough, or in some cases we even believe that our true self is some horrible monster, or at least has some monstrous attributes.

Part of being a perfectionist is usually wanting to always be liked, not wanting to upset anyone. How do I deal with it when someone doesn’t like the real me?  Additionally, those of us who have spent our entire lives pleasing others and being who we think they want us to be can have a hard time even knowing who we really are.

Given these difficulties, how do you go about being more authentic in your life? The starting place is tuning into when you’re being inauthentic. Here are some clues that you’re not being your true self:

·         You frequently have to think carefully before responding to a question or an issue.

·         You feel unhappy or vaguely dissatisfied with your life in general.

·         You change your personality based on the situation.

·         You say “yes” when you want to say “no.”

·         You do things that are not in line with your values because others expect you to.

·         You avoid or accommodate during conflict to make things easier.

Once you start noticing when you’re not being authentic, see if there’s a pattern and pick the things that you do most frequently to target first. Let’s say you notice that you are always weighing what you want to say based on what you think the other person’s response will be.

When you notice yourself editing or censoring yourself, take a minute to think about what you would choose to say if you didn’t worry about upsetting the other person or there being a conflict.  What would happen if you just said what you really thought?

The idea of doing this will create some anxiety. The way to reduce the anxiety is the old adage: “feel the fear and do it anyway.” What usually happens is not nearly as bad as what you imagine. This gives you evidence that you can still be liked by others even if you say what is really true for you.

One way to prepare yourself to actually speak more authentically is to play the if-then game. Ask yourself, “if I said what I really thought (in this situation) what would happen?” You’ll come up with a potentially scary answer, then ask “Then what?” and continue this way to the final conclusion. You will usually find that the worst case is not nearly so bad, and often you will also find that what you’re telling yourself will happen is pretty unlikely or even ridiculous.

The value of becoming more authentic is first of all that you will be spending a lot less energy worrying about what you should say or do. Secondly, you will begin getting evidence that who you really are is pretty okay, that others like and accept the real you. This then makes taking even bigger steps towards authenticity easier.

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Laura Allan, MA, LMHC, CPC LinkedIn
Live. Learn. Grow

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206-285-7285

www.LauraAllanCounseling.com
Laura@LauraAllanCounseling.com

Is Perfectionism Creating Your Anxiety and Depression?

This is the first of a series of blog posts in which I share my thoughts and perspectives on the ideas and tools in Dr. Brene’ Brown’s book The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are.  As a “recovering” perfectionist myself, this book really resonated for me, and has proved to be very useful for a number of clients, as well. I hope you will find my take on it to be helpful for you as well.

How do you know if you’re a perfectionist (or you may prefer to call yourself an over-achiever)?  Does any of this sound like you?

·         I’m always worried about what others are thinking about me

·         I feel weak if I ask for help; I should be able to handle it all

·         Making a mistake is a failure; anything other than complete success is failure

·         If there's conflict, I must be at fault in some way

Are you nodding your head as you read this description?

Dr. Brown defines perfectionism in the following way:

Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, live perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment and blame.

I know many of you perfectionists reading this may be telling yourself that there’s nothing wrong with always doing your best; in fact it is a good thing. If this is where you’re at, stop for a minute and think about the toll your perfectionism is taking on your life.

Do you:

·         Have trouble sleeping because you’re replaying all the things you did wrong that day?

·         Procrastinate or avoid doing things that you think you won’t be good at?

·         Feel like you’re on an emotional roller coaster that’s dependent on how you’ve performed today?

·         Worry about being rejected (personally or professionally) because you’re not good enough?

Even if only one of these things are true for you, imagine how much better you would feel, how much better your life would be, if that were no longer an issue.

The truth about perfectionism is that it is all about trying to control the perceptions that others have of us. We don’t feel good enough on the inside, and to keep from being found out by others, we have to work really hard at being perfect on the outside. We’re always risking rejection (in our minds) if someone finds out that we’re not really perfect.  It’s exhausting!

Of course the reality is that all of us are already good enough. We all deserve love and acceptance just because we exist; we don’t have to earn it. For those of you who are parents, you might be able to feel the truth of this when you think about how you love your children. You probably loved them before they were even born, before you knew if they were “nice” or “high achievers” and before they had ever performed a single task.

You deserve that same love and acceptance, and it starts with loving and accepting yourself as good enough just the way you are.

The Gifts of Imperfection offers 10 Guideposts to help you through the journey of letting go of your need to be perfect and finding self-acceptance.  Each of the following blog posts shares my perspectives and ideas on one of these 10 Guideposts.

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Laura Allan, MA, LMHC, CPC LinkedIn
Live. Learn. Grow

Laura Allan Counseling and Coaching:Facebook Twitter

206-999-1192

www.LauraAllanCounseling.com

Laura@LauraAllanCounseling.com