Stress Can Help You Be Happier

Are you kidding me?  That's probably what went through your head when you read the title of this blog post.  Nope, not kidding!

When you use stress as a way of learning about yourself, it leads to being happier.  All emotions serve a purpose. They provide information about what's working, and what's not working for us. Just like physical pain is a warning signal that there's something wrong in our body, emotional pain (stress in this case) is a warning signal that something's not quite right for us emotionally.

When you're feeling stressed, stop for a minute. I know it's hard because stress is frequently all about what needs to be done, what hasn't been done, what isn't getting done. It can feel even more stressful just to stop for this moment. But trust that this stop has a purpose, and one that will leave you feeling less stressed.

Start by tuning into your fear. Stress and fear (or anxiety if that word feels more comfortable) go hand in hand. What is your ultimate fear about the situation that is causing you stress? Are you afraid that if your holiday dinner doesn't turn out perfectly that others will judge you as not good enough? Are you worried that if you don't get everything done on your to-do list that you will be seen as a failure - even if only by yourself?  Are you stressing about a conflict with a friend and fearing that they think you're a bad person?

Are you stressed out about getting your kids to all their activities without having to leave work early? You might be worried that you can't be both a perfect parent and a perfect employee; you will have to fail on one front in order to be successful on the other.

Are you starting to see the common thread in a lot of these fears? They are frequently about perfectionism, and your fear that not being perfect will lead to you being judged as less-than by yourself and others.

Don't believe me? Think about something that is causing stress in your life right now. When you follow the thread all the way to your ultimate fear of what might happen, isn't it always about not being good enough, being rejected, being viewed as a failure?

So how does understanding this about stress lead to being happier?  One of the keys to happiness is being centered in the knowledge that you are enough, you are good enough, just as you are.  Stress clues you in to the times when you have moved away from being in that grounded place of good-enough.

Stress gives you the opportunity to stop, take a look at your fears, and realize that they are all unfounded. You may burn the holiday dinner, but that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. You may fall behind at work for a variety of reasons, but that doesn't mean that you are a failure. You may have an argument with a friend (you may even say some things that you regret), but doesn't mean that at your core you are a bad person.

Remembering that you are already good enough can reduce your stress by allowing you to let go of the fear. Then you are able to deal with whatever the situation is with a clearer head, and in a more rational way. Your vision of what to do about it will not be clouded by your need to prove that you're really okay - because you already know that.

We all make mistakes, we all have difficult situations. None of that means a thing about our value as a human being. We are all already perfect human beings. When you can remember this in a time of stress, you will be happier.

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Laura Allan, MA, LMHC, CPC LinkedIn
Live. Learn. Grow

Laura Allan Counseling and Coaching:Facebook Twitter

206-285-7285

www.LauraAllanCounseling.com
Laura@LauraAllanCounseling.com

Is Perfectionism Creating Your Anxiety and Depression?

This is the first of a series of blog posts in which I share my thoughts and perspectives on the ideas and tools in Dr. Brene’ Brown’s book The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are.  As a “recovering” perfectionist myself, this book really resonated for me, and has proved to be very useful for a number of clients, as well. I hope you will find my take on it to be helpful for you as well.

How do you know if you’re a perfectionist (or you may prefer to call yourself an over-achiever)?  Does any of this sound like you?

·         I’m always worried about what others are thinking about me

·         I feel weak if I ask for help; I should be able to handle it all

·         Making a mistake is a failure; anything other than complete success is failure

·         If there's conflict, I must be at fault in some way

Are you nodding your head as you read this description?

Dr. Brown defines perfectionism in the following way:

Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, live perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment and blame.

I know many of you perfectionists reading this may be telling yourself that there’s nothing wrong with always doing your best; in fact it is a good thing. If this is where you’re at, stop for a minute and think about the toll your perfectionism is taking on your life.

Do you:

·         Have trouble sleeping because you’re replaying all the things you did wrong that day?

·         Procrastinate or avoid doing things that you think you won’t be good at?

·         Feel like you’re on an emotional roller coaster that’s dependent on how you’ve performed today?

·         Worry about being rejected (personally or professionally) because you’re not good enough?

Even if only one of these things are true for you, imagine how much better you would feel, how much better your life would be, if that were no longer an issue.

The truth about perfectionism is that it is all about trying to control the perceptions that others have of us. We don’t feel good enough on the inside, and to keep from being found out by others, we have to work really hard at being perfect on the outside. We’re always risking rejection (in our minds) if someone finds out that we’re not really perfect.  It’s exhausting!

Of course the reality is that all of us are already good enough. We all deserve love and acceptance just because we exist; we don’t have to earn it. For those of you who are parents, you might be able to feel the truth of this when you think about how you love your children. You probably loved them before they were even born, before you knew if they were “nice” or “high achievers” and before they had ever performed a single task.

You deserve that same love and acceptance, and it starts with loving and accepting yourself as good enough just the way you are.

The Gifts of Imperfection offers 10 Guideposts to help you through the journey of letting go of your need to be perfect and finding self-acceptance.  Each of the following blog posts shares my perspectives and ideas on one of these 10 Guideposts.

To get the rest of the blog posts delivered delivered directly to your email when they're posted, subscribe via email (at the top of the left column).

Laura Allan, MA, LMHC, CPC LinkedIn
Live. Learn. Grow

Laura Allan Counseling and Coaching:Facebook Twitter

206-999-1192

www.LauraAllanCounseling.com

Laura@LauraAllanCounseling.com

Are Your Limiting Beliefs Holding You Back?

Our beliefs have a profound impact on our behavior. The behaviors that we display over an extended period determine the quality of our lives.

For example, if you believe that you can only hold a manual-labor job, you would never attempt anything else. So truly changing your life is dependent on changing your beliefs.

What is a limiting belief? It is any belief that the causes us to filter out options prematurely. It is a belief that is based on fear (what I can't do or be) rather than possibility.

If you have limiting beliefs, this process can help you change them to beliefs that better serve you.

Write down your answers to these questions:

1.      Which belief do you want to change? You need to be able to see it to work with it effectively. So write it down. For example, one limiting belief you might have is: "I will never have a lot of money."

2.      What has the belief cost you? Make a list of all the ways this belief has negatively impacted your life. Really think about it, because it helps to have as much negative ammunition to get rid of that old belief as you can get. Spend some time; it might even take a couple of days to get a complete list.

3.      What advantages has the belief provided you? Maybe believing that you could never be wealthy has allowed you to avoid taking risks. Or perhaps it has allowed you to work at a profession that's easy for you. It might be hard to figure out what the advantages are, but they are there.

4.      What new belief would you like to have as a replacement? For example, for the belief listed above, a new replacement might be: "I can make any amount of money I set my mind to." Be thoughtful and develop a new belief that will serve you well in the future.

5.      How is the new belief better than the old belief? Come up with an emotionally charged list of ways in which the new belief will impact your life for the better. Consider how you would feel. What could you become? How would your lifestyle change? Would it help other people around you?

6.      How can you start demonstrating the new belief today? Following our wealth-theme, it might not be the right time to plan the interior of your private jet just yet. What could you do right now? Make a plan to make more money? Start looking for a better paying job? Look for ways to invest the money you already have? Even a small change can help the process.

Start Living Your New Belief

It might not be easy at first, but taking the time to complete the steps above will make it easier. Each day try to behave as if you hold the new belief. What would you wear? How would you speak? How would you view the world? How would you make decisions? How would you react to good news? Bad news?

While our behaviors determine the quality of our lives, our beliefs largely determine our behaviors. Beliefs are really the core to everything you do and become.

Beliefs can be challenging to change, as they're frequently developed at a young age, so you might have lived in accordance with your limiting beliefs for a long time. However, with diligence and attention, they can be altered. Changing your beliefs will change your life.

Top 10 Reasons You Aren't Where You Want to Be - Reason #8

Getting frustrated waiting to find out all 10 reasons and their solutions?  Now you can get the entire article with all 10 reasons right away.  Just sign up at the box in the right hand column to receive the article in email.   ==>

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Failure is success if we learn from it.
Malcolm Forbes

Any coach can point to a handful of clients who seemed to have all the talent, resources, and determination in the world, but for some reason, they were never able to reach their goals. They talked the talk, and walked the walk – for a while. But suddenly, they disappear into the sunset, becoming just a distant memory.

In my experience, it’s fear of failure that keeps these people stuck where they are, despite their resources and skill. They somehow figure that they’d rather be where they are, safe and sound, then venture out into the unknown and possibly not succeed that which they’ve set out to accomplish. They come up with every excuse in the book as to why they can’t do such-and-such:

-It’s too cold.

-It’s too hot.

-Everyone knows you don’t start (fill in the blank) in the summer (or winter, or fall, or spring).

-They need to take another class.

-They need to get their office ready.

-They need to wait for their youngest to start kindergarten, their oldest to start college, their husband to die, their wife to get well.

There’s always a reason why now is not the right time – but the real reason is that they’re simply afraid of not being able to make the grade. And then who knows what would happen if they (gasp!) failed?

Ironically, it’s the fear of failure actually causes them to fail! And they’re still alive, stuck in their little shell. So I guess failure wasn’t so bad after all, was it?

When working with people who have a fear of failure, sometimes direct questioning is the best method to get them to recognize their obstacle:

If not now, when?

If not you, who?

If you have this goal on your heart, then it’s there for a reason. You may be the only person who can bring that particular goal to reality in the exact way you dream of. If you don’t do it, no one will!

The truth is, there is never going to be a perfect time to start. And the truth is, you’ll likely have some stumbling blocks along the way. Everyone does. But you have to reach a point where staying where you are and never unwrapping your dream is more painful than any risk of misstep or failure. Then, and only then, will you be prepared to move forward. And I bet you’ll find it wasn’t anywhere near as scary as you thought it would be.

As the Nike ads say, "just do it."