When you use stress as a way of learning about yourself, it leads to being happier. All emotions serve a purpose. They provide information about what's working, and what's not working for us. Just like physical pain is a warning signal that there's something wrong in our body, emotional pain (stress in this case) is a warning signal that something's not quite right for us emotionally.
When you're feeling stressed, stop for a minute. I know it's hard because stress is frequently all about what needs to be done, what hasn't been done, what isn't getting done. It can feel even more stressful just to stop for this moment. But trust that this stop has a purpose, and one that will leave you feeling less stressed.
Start by tuning into your fear. Stress and fear (or anxiety if that word feels more comfortable) go hand in hand. What is your ultimate fear about the situation that is causing you stress? Are you afraid that if your holiday dinner doesn't turn out perfectly that others will judge you as not good enough? Are you worried that if you don't get everything done on your to-do list that you will be seen as a failure - even if only by yourself? Are you stressing about a conflict with a friend and fearing that they think you're a bad person?
Are you stressed out about getting your kids to all their activities without having to leave work early? You might be worried that you can't be both a perfect parent and a perfect employee; you will have to fail on one front in order to be successful on the other.
Are you starting to see the common thread in a lot of these fears? They are frequently about perfectionism, and your fear that not being perfect will lead to you being judged as less-than by yourself and others.
Don't believe me? Think about something that is causing stress in your life right now. When you follow the thread all the way to your ultimate fear of what might happen, isn't it always about not being good enough, being rejected, being viewed as a failure?
So how does understanding this about stress lead to being happier? One of the keys to happiness is being centered in the knowledge that you are enough, you are good enough, just as you are. Stress clues you in to the times when you have moved away from being in that grounded place of good-enough.
Stress gives you the opportunity to stop, take a look at your fears, and realize that they are all unfounded. You may burn the holiday dinner, but that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. You may fall behind at work for a variety of reasons, but that doesn't mean that you are a failure. You may have an argument with a friend (you may even say some things that you regret), but doesn't mean that at your core you are a bad person.
Remembering that you are already good enough can reduce your stress by allowing you to let go of the fear. Then you are able to deal with whatever the situation is with a clearer head, and in a more rational way. Your vision of what to do about it will not be clouded by your need to prove that you're really okay - because you already know that.
We all make mistakes, we all have difficult situations. None of that means a thing about our value as a human being. We are all already perfect human beings. When you can remember this in a time of stress, you will be happier.
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Laura Allan, MA, LMHC, CPC LinkedIn
Live. Learn. Grow
Laura Allan Counseling and Coaching:Facebook Twitter
Live. Learn. Grow
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