Thoughts Create Emotions

As promised, here are my thoughts about happiness and choosing our thoughts about any given event.

Events are neutral, there is no universal “right” way to interpret or react to any event or circumstance.  What we choose to tell ourselves about the meaning of an event leads to how we feel about it.  By changing the meaning we make of it, we change our feeling about it.

For example, let’s say I was laid off from my job.  If the meaning I make of this is that  my employer viewed me as incompetent or not valuable, I may feel angry or resentful towards my employer, as well as feeling not good enough as a person.

If the meaning I make of this occurrence is that my employer selected me to be laid off because they viewed me as being the most able to find another job, and this reduced their discomfort at having let someone go, then I will more likely feel grateful and appreciated and confident that I have something valuable to offer another employer.

Or, I can choose to view this situation as something that says absolutely nothing about me as person, that it truly is a neutral event that has nothing to do with me personally.  The company needed to reduce by a certain number of employees, they chose to do that in a way that I may or may not understand or agree with, and it means nothing about my value or worth as a person or an employee – positive or negative.  It’s not about me, it’s about them.

Now, this does not mean that you will not have emotions such as fear about loss of income or sadness at loss of social contact with co-workers.  But when we don’t take it personally, or choose to view the situation overall in a positive light, accepting and feeling these other emotions is much easier.  And addressing the situation in which we find ourselves is easier, too.

In the above scenario, imagine how much easier it will be to focus on finding a new job if you believe the layoff is neutral or positive about you as a person.  You will feel confident of your abilities and value and can focus on the tasks required to find a new job.

On the other hand, if you are feeling angry, resentful and not good enough, a lot of the energy you could have used for job seeking will be spent on beating yourself (or your employer) up in your thoughts.

What do you think?  Do you agree with this idea?  What objections or questions arise in you when you consider this idea?

Laura Allan is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor Associate and Certified Professional Coach with a private practice in the Wallingford neighborhood of Seattle.  You may visit her website at www.LauraAllanCounseling.com. 

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A busy day!

I've had quite a busy day today getting my son ready to head off for three weeks in the wilderness tomorrow.  So many last minute things to get from the provided equipment list!  Who knew that "roughing it" required so much stuff!

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The Winds of Change

The past 24 hours in Seattle has seen some interesting weather.  As I was lying in bed last night listening to the wind storming outside, I was thinking of how much I love the wind - how exhilarating a good, strong wind feels to me. I also started thinking about how wind is not always a positive thing: hurricanes and tornadoes can be extremely destructive.  I realized that wind can be a metaphor for change (and given that the title of this posting is a very old saying, I'm obviously not the first to come up with that).

The same traits that make wind exciting rather than fear provoking can be true for change, as well.  First is our attitude.  If we view the change as something we enjoy, even revel in, we are more likely to be excited and exhilarated by it.  Similarly, the more flexible we are, the more we can "bend in the wind," the more able we are to withstand a change that may end up being a little more impactful than we expected.

When we see a tornado looming on the horizon, however, we become fearful.  This can be a change that is something we don't want, or feels too big for us to handle. Fear can make us rigid, which makes it more difficult to "bend in the wind."  We may feel that this storm will destroy us, and we can become anxious and/or depressed.

The key to weathering the hurricanes and tornadoes is preparation.  Just as homeowners board up their windows when a hurricane is forecast, or build their home with a storm cellar if they live in tornado prone areas, we can shore up our internal homes and make it more likely for them to withstand the onslaught of a hurricane or tornado.

Hurricanes and tornadoes are unpredictable.  We never know for sure when one may come our way, we only know that in each our lives it is likely there will be times when they do.  Working on your emotional flexibility and stamina prior to the event can help us weather the storm when it arrives.

The Complaint Free World Challenge

I recently read the book:  A Complaint Free World: How to Stop Complaining and Start Enjoying the Life You Always Wanted by Will Bowen, and decided that I wanted to do the 21 day "complaint free challenge" the author talks about in the book.  The idea is that you try to go 21 days in a row with complaining, criticizing or gossiping, if you do any of these things you begin again your 21 days.  You wear a bracelet that you switch to the other wrist each time you have to start over, to help you remember your goal. Mr. Bowen says that the average time for someone to successfully complete the 21 consecutive days is about 4 months.

I have been attempting to reach the 21 days since February 14th.  So far the longest I've gone without starting over is 7 days.  This is harder than it looks!  I thought it would be a piece of cake.  I've spent many years paying attention to my thoughts, and so I imagined that just monitoring what I actually said aloud would be much easier than it has turned out to be.

This has been a great exercise in awareness.  What I've learned is that I use complaining as a way to engage with others (the author talks about this in his second book, Complaint Free Relationships: How to Positively Transform Your Personal, Work, and Love Relationships).  It's amazing to realize how often we interject complaints into our conversations in order to connect with others.  I've found that I do it with my hairdresser, my acupuncturist and my friends.  Sometimes it is initiated by me, and sometimes I join in with complaints from others just to be sociable.

On the surface these seem like innocuous interactions: complaining about politicians, criticizing "others" we don't know personally who don't share our views, and other interactions that aren't directly hurtful to another person.  However...they are hurtful to us.  Engaging in conversations that focus on the negative leads our thoughts to be of the negative - what is wrong in the world - rather than what is right.

The 21 day challenge has been eye-opening for me in just how insidious this negative perspective is in our culture - and in myself.  I'm continuing to work hard at making it 21 days without complaining, criticizing or gossiping.  I invite you to join me!

How to Have a Good Breakup

Last week I talked about the value of counseling for a couple prior to marriage or moving in together.  On the flip side of the that is the value of counseling for a couple who is separating, and possibly divorcing.

Most couples seek counseling because their relationship is in trouble and they want to save it.  It's a somewhat different mindset to decide to seek counseling after you have already decided to end the relationship.  In the first case the goal is to improve the relationship to the point that you both want to continue.  In the second case the goal is to untangle from the relationship in a way that is the least painful not only for you and your partner, but for your children, if there are any.

Breakup counseling also helps couples work through difficult issues related to separating their lives such as finances, living arrangements and issues related to their children.  By doing this with integrity and separating the grievances about the relationship from the process of dissolving the relationship, everyone involved comes out the other side in a better place emotionally.

Even when both parties agree that breaking up is the best thing to do, it is still a painful and difficult time.  By working with an objective third party, you can make the process smoother and less painful and increase the liklihood of remaining on good terms with this person who once meant the world to you.

Master Your Emotions!

Do you sometimes feel like your emotions are running your life?  Do you react rather than respond?  Do you get triggered easily?  Do you push difficult emotions away only to have them pop up and bite you (i.e. surface at an inappropriate time) in the end?  Do you feel that your life would be easier if you managed your emotions rather than the other way around?  If so...read on.

First a little education about emotions and how they work.  Our emotions are created by the thoughts we think, what we tell ourselves about what is happening around us.  This can be concsious, or quite frequently an automatic thought - something we've conditioned ourselves to think about a given situation.

Emotions act something like waves in the ocean.  You may have noticed that a wave starts from flat sea, builds up to a peak, then subsides.  Emotions act much like this.  If we feel an emotion building within us and simply allow ourselves to feel it, it will peak and utltimately subside.  This is the natural way of emotions.

However, when we get caught up in the thoughts that created the emotion and perpetuate them, we fuel the continuation of that state of emotion.  Conversely, if we feel the emotion beginning to build and then shut it off before it flows through it's cycle, it will build and build until it overflows - frequently at an inconvenient time.

So, how do we "master our emotions", as advertised in the title of this piece? 

1. Allow your emotions to come into existence, build and subside without becoming fearful and fueling them, or trying to suppress them.  Simply notice what is happening and let the feeling move through you until it subsides.
2. If you notice that you are having emotions that are inapproprate or out of proportion to a given situation, pay attention to what you are telling yourself just before you feel that emotion.  Examine those thoughts for if they are appropriate to the current situation.  You may find that you are really reacting because the situation reminds you of something that has happened earlier in your life, not what is happening now.  Change your thoughts in those situations to something that more accurately represents what is currently happening.

Emotions are wonderful sources of information for us; they tell us that we need to pay attention to something.  Mastering your emotions is not about suppressing them, but rather it's about allowing them to ebb and flow naturally, and noticing what they are trying to tell you.

The Power of Our Thoughts

"If we have a positive mental attitude, then even when surrounded by hostility, we shall not lack inner peace. On the other hand, if our mental attitude is more negative, influenced by fear, suspicion, helplessness, or self-loathing, then even when surrounded by our best friends, in a nice atmosphere and comfortable surroundings, we shall not be happy." - The Dalai Lama

Over the past several months many books and other resources have come to me that continue to reinforce my belief in the power of positive thinking.  I was first exposed to cognitive therapy about 22 years ago.  I was experiencing a mild depression that had been going on for about a year.  My therapist recommended using David Burns' book "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy," and I found it extremely useful.

Since then I have been reminded of how our thoughts create our experience in many different ways.  This, of course, is the basis for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which has proven to be effective for the treatment of depression and anxiety. 

The important thing to understand is that any given event is neutral, it is the meaning that we make of the event - what we think about the event - that creates the emotions we feel.  By changing our thoughts, we can change how we feel. 

Taking this a step further, the Law of Attraction says that what we think also creates what manifests in our lives in the future.  For some of you this may feel a little "out there," so another way to look at it is that we draw to us what we focus on.  It is human nature to see the things that support our beliefs, and to be blind to things that do not.  When we change our focus, we change what we see, or notice.

There are several books and resources that have recently found their way to me (as well as some old favorites) and continue to reinforce the power of our thoughts from both a therapy or mental health perspective, as well as a personal an spiritual growth perspective:

Take Your Vitamin D!

You may wonder why a psychotherapist is concerned about your Vitamin D level. Did you know that one of the side effects of a Vitamin D deficiency can be depression?  When I see clients who report feeling down for a period of time, one of the first things I have them do is get there Vitamind D level checked.


As most of you probably know, those of us in the northern latitudes are Vitamin D deprived, since our bodies take in Vitamin D through exposure to sun.  Given the beautiful, sunny day we had yesterday in Seattle, you may be thinking that you're good on the Vitamind D front.  Even though we're heading into spring now, and then summer, we still cannot get the needed amount of Vitamin D purely through exposure to sun.

This is partly because we live so far north.  And, we add to the problem by our use of sunscreen.  Yes, using sunscreen prevents our bodies from properly absorbing Vitamin D.  Let's see, skin cancer vs. Vitamin D deficiency...it's probably wise to use the sunscreen AND take a Vitamin D supplement.

My own naturopath is now prescribing up to 10,000 units per day of Vitamin D supplement for some patients.  That's how much I'm taking myself.  For several years I was taking 2,000 per day, and when I was tested last summer (yes, even in the summer) I was still significantly deficient.

So, the next time you're at your doctor's office, have them test your Vitamin D level, then recommend the appropriate amount for you to take.  It can make a world of difference in how you feel emotionally.

Patience, Love and Letting Go

"The webs we create around ourselves need to be unwound. If you have ever untangled a ball of string, you know that yanking and pulling only makes it worse. You need to very gently and patiently unravel the knots. Be gentle and patient with yourself as you untangle your own mental knots. Get help if you need it. Above all, love yourself in the process. The willingness to let go of the old is the key."

I love this quote.  It reminds me that working too hard at something, pretty much anything, can be counterproductive.  Patiently and gently moving in the right direction is much more effective, not to mention much less traumatic. 

When we are in distress or wanting to make changes within ourselves, we can get very impatient and rough with ourselves.  We frequently just want to be done with whatever it is an move on, and can be very critical and blaming to ourselves if it doesn't happen immediately. 

We first need to come to terms with whatever has occurred in the past that is keeping us stuck.  We cannot let it go (i.e. forgive ourselves or others) if we continue to blame ourselves or someone else for what happened.  We want to learn to accept that this "thing" has happened, and then we can let it go and move forward.  It is more useful, not to mention feels much better, to meet ourselves with love and understanding.

The Value of Pre-Marriage (or Pre-Move-in) Counseling

When two people come together and join their lives, whether through marriage or living together, worlds collide!  We all have our preconceived ideas about what being in a committed relationship means and what it looks likes.  Many times some of our ideas are different from our partner, and that can create conflict and stress in the relationship.

Unfortunately many people have the idea that seeking counseling before marriage is a sign that you should not be getting married.  They think it means there is trouble in the relationship.  Of course there are times where this is the case.  However, I view pre-marital counseling as an insurance policy: you want to insure that your marriage has the best possible chance of succeeding.

Pre-marital counseling is a way to identify potential pitfalls in the relationship and address them before they do create problems.  Counseling can help you and your partner understand where your visions for your relationship differ and find common ground.  It can help to uncover differences you did not even know were there and find their resolution without the stress of being caught up in a current problem.

Seeking pre-marital, or pre-move-in, counseling also signals that you are serious about your relationship and willing to do whatever you can to keep it healthy and happy.

Couples Therapy: Rescuing Your Relationship

Wanted:
A Relationship “The Way It Was”

The financial difficulties of the past 18 months hit Beth and Rick hard. The crisis they find themselves in as a result of Rick’s job loss and the ensuing financial conflicts suddenly present a very real threat to their marriage.

Beth and Rick are experiencing what thousands of couples go through every day. And when pushed, both Beth and Rick blurt out the crux of their issue: Things have changed and they want their relationship “the way it was”.

During their therapy, they’ll begin to recognize that it’s not the issue that’s the issue but their response to it that determines the outcome.

In the hands of a competent, compassionate therapist, there’s great hope for not only resolving these issues, but also for returning to the close, intimate relationship they once shared.

Therapy:
No Issue Too Large or Small!

A crisis is not the only reason couples seek counseling, of course. Struggles such as parenting, in-law problems and health issues just to name a few, can severely test a relationship.

The goal of therapy, whether long-term or brief and solutions-oriented, is lasting change for the couple and family as a whole. The trick, if you will, is seeking help before the situation becomes overwhelming.

Most couples seek counseling when the relationship is in serious trouble; however, you needn’t wait, because like a crisis or the serious issues mentioned above, even feelings of general dissatisfaction with a relationship can benefit greatly from therapy.

Experiencing Lasting
Change in Your Relationship

An essential part of therapy is the use of homework. Why homework? And how can it help in therapy? Well, much of the change you’ll experience when in therapy occurs outside your therapy session.

As mentioned above, most couples seek counseling when the relationship is in serious trouble. Change needs to occur quickly and homework is a perfect way to achieve that while taking an active role in your therapy.

Beth and Rick:
Developing Strategies

As a couple, their issues seem insurmountable to them, but actually, they’re really quite common.

During therapy, Beth and Rick first tackle the most pressing issue: Rick’s job loss and the resulting financial conflicts. They’re encouraged by their therapist to determine how their money is currently being used and develop conscious decision making regarding their spending.

These are strategies and skills that ultimately take them far beyond their present difficulties and pay off handsomely for their marriage in the long run.

Next, as a couple they learn during therapy that one of the most devastating results of Rick’s job loss is the effect on his self confidence, so strategies are developed:

First, Beth learns how to listen compassionately. Listening is absolutely an art and Beth must learn the skills necessary to truly hear Rick without the intent of adding information or talking over him with suggestions.

They’re both surprised to realize that their most heated arguments occur as a result of Beth’s almost righteous attitude towards Rick’s job loss. The dynamics of the relationship has changed, further lessening Rick’s confidence. Beth felt she was being helpful while Rick was hearing that he couldn’t even look for a job right!

This awareness and the ensuing communication changes they make, pave the way for greater intimacy at a time when they need it most.

Relationship
Strategies for Success

Numerous strategies exist to guide you compassionately, and in a focused way, through your relationship issues.

With therapy, you’ll have the strategies necessary to grow together and develop a stronger, more intimate partnership that can survive, and thrive, whatever comes!

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Laura Allan is a Registered Counselor and Certified Professional Coach. She has an M.A. degree in Applied Behavioral Science with concentration in Systems Counseling from Bastyr University. She also has a B.S. degree from Washington State University and an M.S. from Seattle University. She has additional specialized training in working with couples and eating disorders. You may visit her website at http://www.lauraallancounseling.com/.