Authenticity: The Ultimate Antidote to Anxiety Created by Perfectionism

The first guidepost in “The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are ,” and the primary way to battle perfectionism is authenticity. Being authentic means being who you really are, not who (you believe) others expect you to be, or who you think you should be.  Authenticity is an admirable – and very useful - goal, but can be very difficult for perfectionists because we believe that who we really are is not good enough, or in some cases we even believe that our true self is some horrible monster, or at least has some monstrous attributes.

Part of being a perfectionist is usually wanting to always be liked, not wanting to upset anyone. How do I deal with it when someone doesn’t like the real me?  Additionally, those of us who have spent our entire lives pleasing others and being who we think they want us to be can have a hard time even knowing who we really are.

Given these difficulties, how do you go about being more authentic in your life? The starting place is tuning into when you’re being inauthentic. Here are some clues that you’re not being your true self:

·         You frequently have to think carefully before responding to a question or an issue.

·         You feel unhappy or vaguely dissatisfied with your life in general.

·         You change your personality based on the situation.

·         You say “yes” when you want to say “no.”

·         You do things that are not in line with your values because others expect you to.

·         You avoid or accommodate during conflict to make things easier.

Once you start noticing when you’re not being authentic, see if there’s a pattern and pick the things that you do most frequently to target first. Let’s say you notice that you are always weighing what you want to say based on what you think the other person’s response will be.

When you notice yourself editing or censoring yourself, take a minute to think about what you would choose to say if you didn’t worry about upsetting the other person or there being a conflict.  What would happen if you just said what you really thought?

The idea of doing this will create some anxiety. The way to reduce the anxiety is the old adage: “feel the fear and do it anyway.” What usually happens is not nearly as bad as what you imagine. This gives you evidence that you can still be liked by others even if you say what is really true for you.

One way to prepare yourself to actually speak more authentically is to play the if-then game. Ask yourself, “if I said what I really thought (in this situation) what would happen?” You’ll come up with a potentially scary answer, then ask “Then what?” and continue this way to the final conclusion. You will usually find that the worst case is not nearly so bad, and often you will also find that what you’re telling yourself will happen is pretty unlikely or even ridiculous.

The value of becoming more authentic is first of all that you will be spending a lot less energy worrying about what you should say or do. Secondly, you will begin getting evidence that who you really are is pretty okay, that others like and accept the real you. This then makes taking even bigger steps towards authenticity easier.

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Is Perfectionism Creating Your Anxiety and Depression?

This is the first of a series of blog posts in which I share my thoughts and perspectives on the ideas and tools in Dr. Brene’ Brown’s book The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are.  As a “recovering” perfectionist myself, this book really resonated for me, and has proved to be very useful for a number of clients, as well. I hope you will find my take on it to be helpful for you as well.

How do you know if you’re a perfectionist (or you may prefer to call yourself an over-achiever)?  Does any of this sound like you?

·         I’m always worried about what others are thinking about me

·         I feel weak if I ask for help; I should be able to handle it all

·         Making a mistake is a failure; anything other than complete success is failure

·         If there's conflict, I must be at fault in some way

Are you nodding your head as you read this description?

Dr. Brown defines perfectionism in the following way:

Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, live perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment and blame.

I know many of you perfectionists reading this may be telling yourself that there’s nothing wrong with always doing your best; in fact it is a good thing. If this is where you’re at, stop for a minute and think about the toll your perfectionism is taking on your life.

Do you:

·         Have trouble sleeping because you’re replaying all the things you did wrong that day?

·         Procrastinate or avoid doing things that you think you won’t be good at?

·         Feel like you’re on an emotional roller coaster that’s dependent on how you’ve performed today?

·         Worry about being rejected (personally or professionally) because you’re not good enough?

Even if only one of these things are true for you, imagine how much better you would feel, how much better your life would be, if that were no longer an issue.

The truth about perfectionism is that it is all about trying to control the perceptions that others have of us. We don’t feel good enough on the inside, and to keep from being found out by others, we have to work really hard at being perfect on the outside. We’re always risking rejection (in our minds) if someone finds out that we’re not really perfect.  It’s exhausting!

Of course the reality is that all of us are already good enough. We all deserve love and acceptance just because we exist; we don’t have to earn it. For those of you who are parents, you might be able to feel the truth of this when you think about how you love your children. You probably loved them before they were even born, before you knew if they were “nice” or “high achievers” and before they had ever performed a single task.

You deserve that same love and acceptance, and it starts with loving and accepting yourself as good enough just the way you are.

The Gifts of Imperfection offers 10 Guideposts to help you through the journey of letting go of your need to be perfect and finding self-acceptance.  Each of the following blog posts shares my perspectives and ideas on one of these 10 Guideposts.

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30 Days to Break Any Habit

Bad habits can be hard to break. Regardless of the habit, destructive behaviors keep you away from the life you desire.

Unhealthy habits can have a negative impact on your physical and mental health and leave you feeling as if you don't have enough control over your impulses. While change is frequently challenging, having a plan can make it easier.

This step-by-step plan can help you eliminate any bad habit:

1.      Monitor the habit for a week. Make note of the times you're likely to engage in the habit. Maybe you only smoke around certain friends. Perhaps you bite your nails when you're stressed or bored. At any rate, identify under which circumstances your habit is most likely to rear its ugly head.

2.      Find out why. Your habit is satisfying some need. You're gaining a benefit or you wouldn't be exhibiting the behavior at all. Figuring out the positive aspects of your habit will help you understand it. Once you understand it, you can begin to change it.

3.      Develop a substitute behavior. Find a more acceptable alternative that satisfies the same need that was being met by the old habit. So if your habit helps you to deal with stress, what are some healthy alternatives? Yoga? Other exercise? Deep breathing? Meditating? Singing? Watching a comedy? Calling a friend?

·         What could you do instead that isn't harmful? Better yet, what could you do instead that would be healthy for you?

·         Start substituting the new habit for the old. It will take a fair amount of attention at first, but begin intentionally substituting the new behavior each time you would automatically use the old behavior. It's likely to be challenging, but with a positive focus, you can do it.

4.      Measure your progress. Keep track of how many times you engage in the old habit and how many times you engage in the new habit. Progress can be difficult to determine without measurement; if you don't know where you are, how will you know if you're moving forward or backward? By measuring your progress, you accomplish two things:

·         You get feedback so you know how successful you are.

·         You have the added motivation of seeing your progress.

5.      Be patient. Take one step at a time. Complete perfection is unreasonable, but a little perfection can work wonders. Don't be upset when the inevitable slip occurs while you're breaking your old habit. Just examine the situation dispassionately and determine a better solution for the next time. You still gain a lot by decreasing the frequency of the bad habit.

·         A good idea is to focus on having one perfect day today. The idea of one day without the habit may seem quite reasonable - and doable - to you. A string of perfect days is a lot easier than trying to be perfect for an extended period.

·         For tough habits, a perfect hour might work better for your short-term goal.

Now that you're armed with a process, you can start eliminating that bad habit today. In 30 days, the new, healthier habit should be a part of your routine without requiring as much conscious effort. Changing to more positive habits can be challenging, but you gain a wonderful feeling of accomplishment when you do so.

Laura Allan, MA, LMHC, CPC LinkedIn
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Are Your Limiting Beliefs Holding You Back?

Our beliefs have a profound impact on our behavior. The behaviors that we display over an extended period determine the quality of our lives.

For example, if you believe that you can only hold a manual-labor job, you would never attempt anything else. So truly changing your life is dependent on changing your beliefs.

What is a limiting belief? It is any belief that the causes us to filter out options prematurely. It is a belief that is based on fear (what I can't do or be) rather than possibility.

If you have limiting beliefs, this process can help you change them to beliefs that better serve you.

Write down your answers to these questions:

1.      Which belief do you want to change? You need to be able to see it to work with it effectively. So write it down. For example, one limiting belief you might have is: "I will never have a lot of money."

2.      What has the belief cost you? Make a list of all the ways this belief has negatively impacted your life. Really think about it, because it helps to have as much negative ammunition to get rid of that old belief as you can get. Spend some time; it might even take a couple of days to get a complete list.

3.      What advantages has the belief provided you? Maybe believing that you could never be wealthy has allowed you to avoid taking risks. Or perhaps it has allowed you to work at a profession that's easy for you. It might be hard to figure out what the advantages are, but they are there.

4.      What new belief would you like to have as a replacement? For example, for the belief listed above, a new replacement might be: "I can make any amount of money I set my mind to." Be thoughtful and develop a new belief that will serve you well in the future.

5.      How is the new belief better than the old belief? Come up with an emotionally charged list of ways in which the new belief will impact your life for the better. Consider how you would feel. What could you become? How would your lifestyle change? Would it help other people around you?

6.      How can you start demonstrating the new belief today? Following our wealth-theme, it might not be the right time to plan the interior of your private jet just yet. What could you do right now? Make a plan to make more money? Start looking for a better paying job? Look for ways to invest the money you already have? Even a small change can help the process.

Start Living Your New Belief

It might not be easy at first, but taking the time to complete the steps above will make it easier. Each day try to behave as if you hold the new belief. What would you wear? How would you speak? How would you view the world? How would you make decisions? How would you react to good news? Bad news?

While our behaviors determine the quality of our lives, our beliefs largely determine our behaviors. Beliefs are really the core to everything you do and become.

Beliefs can be challenging to change, as they're frequently developed at a young age, so you might have lived in accordance with your limiting beliefs for a long time. However, with diligence and attention, they can be altered. Changing your beliefs will change your life.

Top 10 Reasons You Aren't Where You Want to Be - Conclusion

Over the past 6 weeks I've shared the top 10 reasons you aren't where you want to be.  They are:

Reason #1: You Don’t Know What You Want

Reason #2: You Don’t Have a Plan to Get from Here to There

Reason #3: You Lack the Resources

Reason #4: The People Around You Don’t Support You

Reason #5: You Don’t Really Want What You Think You Want

Reason #6: You Lack the Skills

Reason #7: You Lack Stamina

Reason #8: You’re Scared of Failure

Reason #9: You’re Scared of Success

Reason #10: You Don’t Think You Can

Conclusion

After presenting ten different reasons you aren’t where you want to be, it’s my intent not to overwhelm you with information, but to inspire you. Maybe you’ve identified only one reason you’re stuck where you are; maybe you saw yourself in all ten! In any case, I hope that you are prepared to make some changes to move yourself forward.

It doesn’t take huge movements to make progress; in fact, sometimes the biggest results come from the smallest actions, like giving up sugary soda, or making one more cold call at the end of the day. It’s the repetition of those small acts over time that brings about huge results.

I hope that after finishing this report, you have some clear ideas of changes – small and large – that you can undertake right now, today. I wish you only the best.

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Top 10 Reasons You Aren't Where You Want to Be - Reason #10

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Reason #10: You Don’t Think You Can.

We all talk to ourselves. A major key to success exists in what we say to ourselves, which helps to shape our attitude and mindset.
Darren L. Johnson

When it comes right down to it, there’s only one real barrier that will keep you from achieving anything you set your mind to, and that’s this: Your belief in yourself. If you don’t honestly believe you are capable of achieving your goals, your chances of doing so are very limited. And by the same token, if you honestly believe you CAN achieve your goals, there’s nothing that can stop you.

Many of us grew up with a limited sense of self-esteem and self-confidence. We constantly doubted our ability to do anything, from cross the street by ourselves to get a date. While this could spring from overprotective parents, who just wanted to protect us from the big, bad world, it resulted in lack of confidence that carried over to our adult life.

The only way out is through. The only way to build self-confidence is to do things you are nervous about. That means talking to strangers in line at the grocery store if you’re hoping for a career in direct sales, or posting some of your poetry on your blog if you’re interested in becoming a writer. In the words of Eleanor Roosevelt, “You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”

There is no shortcut to self-esteem or confidence. No one can give it to you, which is where so many of the school programs aimed at enhancing kids’ self-perception go wrong. It must be earned, the old fashioned way, through risk and reward.

The great thing about confidence is that you can start small. If you want to complete the Ironman Triathlon, you don’t have to start at Lake Placid. Instead, you can run around the block and swim a length of the pool. Then you run a mile and swim two lengths, and bike home. You build and build and build, and while you’re building your muscles, you build your confidence. You know you can swim two laps because last week you swam one and a half. You know you can sell $500 in a week because last week you sold $400. You know you can get three customers because you have two right now. And so it goes.

Sometimes you may fail; you only make it one and a half lengths, or you only sell $467 in a week. But by looking at where you’ve come from and how far you’ve gone, you know that the next step is within your reach. And when you feel that in your very soul, you will be unstoppable. There is no obstacle or challenge that will be too large for you to overcome, because you know you can.