This is the first of a series of blog posts in which I share my thoughts and perspectives on the
ideas and tools in Dr. Brene’ Brown’s book The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are
.
As a “recovering”
perfectionist myself, this book really resonated for me, and has proved to be
very useful for a number of clients, as well. I hope you will find my take on
it to be helpful for you as well.
.
As a “recovering”
perfectionist myself, this book really resonated for me, and has proved to be
very useful for a number of clients, as well. I hope you will find my take on
it to be helpful for you as well.
How do you know if you’re a perfectionist (or you may prefer
to call yourself an over-achiever)? Does
any of this sound like you?
·
I’m always worried about what others are
thinking about me
·
I feel weak if I ask for help; I should be able
to handle it all
·
Making a mistake is a failure; anything other
than complete success is failure
·
If there's conflict, I must be at fault in some
way
Are you nodding your head as you read this description?
Dr. Brown defines perfectionism in the following way:
Perfectionism
is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary
thought: If I look perfect, live perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can
avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment and blame.
I know many of you perfectionists reading this may be telling yourself that there’s
nothing wrong with always doing your best; in fact it is a good thing. If this
is where you’re at, stop for a minute and think about the toll your
perfectionism is taking on your life.
Do you:
·
Have trouble sleeping because you’re replaying
all the things you did wrong that day?
·
Procrastinate or avoid doing things that you
think you won’t be good at?
·
Feel like you’re on an emotional roller coaster
that’s dependent on how you’ve performed today?
·
Worry about being rejected (personally or professionally) because you’re not
good enough?
Even if only one of these things are true for you, imagine
how much better you would feel, how much better your life would be, if that were
no longer an issue.
The truth about perfectionism is that it is all about trying
to control the perceptions that others have of us. We don’t feel good enough on
the inside, and to keep from being found out by others, we have to work really
hard at being perfect on the outside. We’re always risking rejection (in our
minds) if someone finds out that we’re not really perfect. It’s exhausting!
Of course the reality is that all of us are already good
enough. We all deserve love and acceptance just because we exist; we don’t have
to earn it. For those of you who are parents, you might be able to feel the
truth of this when you think about how you love your children. You probably
loved them before they were even born, before you knew if they were “nice” or “high
achievers” and before they had ever performed a single task.
You deserve that same love and acceptance, and it starts
with loving and accepting yourself as good enough just the way you are.
The Gifts of
Imperfection offers 10 Guideposts to help you through the journey of
letting go of your need to be perfect and finding self-acceptance. Each of the following blog posts shares my perspectives and ideas on one of these 10 Guideposts.
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