,” and the primary way to battle perfectionism is authenticity. Being authentic means being who you really are, not who (you
believe) others expect you to be, or who you think you should be. Authenticity is
an admirable – and very useful - goal, but can be very difficult for perfectionists
because we believe that who we really are is not good enough, or in some cases
we even believe that our true self is some horrible monster, or at least has some
monstrous attributes.
Part of being a perfectionist is usually wanting to always
be liked, not wanting to upset anyone. How do I deal with it when someone doesn’t
like the real me? Additionally, those of
us who have spent our entire lives pleasing others and being who we think they
want us to be can have a hard time even knowing who we really are.
Given these difficulties, how do you go about being more
authentic in your life? The starting place is tuning into when you’re being
inauthentic. Here are some clues that you’re not being your true self:
·
You frequently have to think carefully before
responding to a question or an issue.
·
You feel unhappy or vaguely dissatisfied with
your life in general.
·
You change your personality based on the
situation.
·
You say “yes” when you want to say “no.”
·
You do things that are not in line with your
values because others expect you to.
·
You avoid or accommodate during conflict to make
things easier.
Once you start noticing when you’re not being authentic, see
if there’s a pattern and pick the things that you do most frequently to target
first. Let’s say you notice that you are always weighing what you want to say
based on what you think the other person’s response will be.
When you notice yourself editing or censoring yourself, take
a minute to think about what you would choose to say if you didn’t worry about
upsetting the other person or there being a conflict. What would happen if you just said what you
really thought?
The idea of doing this will create some anxiety. The way to
reduce the anxiety is the old adage: “feel the fear and do it anyway.” What
usually happens is not nearly as bad as what you imagine. This gives you
evidence that you can still be liked by others even if you say what is really
true for you.
One way to prepare yourself to actually speak more
authentically is to play the if-then game. Ask yourself, “if I said what I
really thought (in this situation) what would happen?” You’ll come up with a
potentially scary answer, then ask “Then what?” and continue this way to the
final conclusion. You will usually find that the worst case is not nearly so
bad, and often you will also find that what you’re telling yourself will happen
is pretty unlikely or even ridiculous.
The value of becoming more authentic is first of all that
you will be spending a lot less energy worrying about what you should say or
do. Secondly, you will begin getting evidence that who you really are is pretty
okay, that others like and accept the real you. This then makes taking even
bigger steps towards authenticity easier.
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Laura Allan, MA, LMHC, CPC LinkedIn
Live. Learn. Grow
Laura Allan Counseling and Coaching:Facebook Twitter
Live. Learn. Grow
Laura Allan Counseling and Coaching:Facebook Twitter
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