Top 10 Reasons You Aren't Where You Want to Be - Intro

This is the first of 12 postings about why you're not where you want to be, and how to get there.  Look for a new reason - and what to do about it - each Tuesday and Thursday for the next 5 weeks.

Introduction

When you look at your life, you may be miles away from your goals and dreams – so far you wonder if you’ll ever get there. This gap can be especially frustrating when you feel like you’re working hard to move forward.

Unfortunately, just “working hard” doesn’t assure success. There are a lot of other elements and factors that determine how far you go and how close you come to achieving the life you imagine. We will discuss ten factors that play a part in holding you back from your dreams. If you can surmount them – or even a few of them! – your efforts will be supercharged, moving you past obstacles that formerly held you back.

Don’t try to tackle all ten at once. Read through each posting and see which one or two resonate with you the most strongly, and start there. There’s plenty of time for the rest.

One note: In these postings, the words “dreams” and “goals” are used interchangeably. In reality, they are very different things: After all, a dream is a goal without a deadline. But since the principles here are equally applicable to goals AND dreams, I’ve used them as synonyms.

Tune in next Tuesday, 8/30/11 to find out Reason #1...

Laura Allan, MA, LMHC, CPC  LinkedIn
Live. Learn. Grow

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Lessons from waiting for the Sears repairman

Last week my washer started leaking. I scheduled an appointment with Sears to come and see why. Of course they can only give a 4 hour window of when they will arrive, but you can call on the day of the appointment to get it narrowed down. So, my window was from 8am to noon. I called at 7 that morning and was told the repairman would be there between 11:30 and noon. They also told me he would call when he was on the way.

Okay, I would have preferred to be on the earlier end of that 4 hour window, but at least I knew what to expect and could plan my morning accordingly. When 11:30 rolled around and I hadn't receive a call, nor had the repairman shown up, I called again to get an update.

I was told that an appointment took longer than expected and he would now arrive between 12:30 and 1:45. Well...I was pretty upset about this change, to put it mildly. After allowing myself to spin for a while on the same thoughts that were making me upset, I thought perhaps I should take my own advice, and apply some of the tools I teach to clients.

Using the basic concept of cognitive therapy, which is that our thoughts about an event create our emotions related to that event, I took a look at what I was telling myself.  What it boiled down to was that I felt unimportant, that my needs (and time) didn’t matter and that I had no choice but to put up with being treated badly by Sears.

I then came up with alternative ways to look at this situation.  Sure, it would have been nice to get a call that the repairman was running late, but separate from that I really did understand that they cannot predict how long any given service call will take; i.e. it didn’t mean that they thought my time was unimportant.  They are running a business, and trying to provide this service in the most cost effective way possible.

Secondly, I did have other choices.  I don’t have to use Sears’ repair service (and believe me, initially my self-talk was that I never would again).  I could have chosen at that point to cancel my appointment and schedule with another plumber or handyman instead.  For convenience sake, I chose not to.  But it was a choice, my choice.

After going through this process, I did feel better.  I still didn’t like that I had to wait around for a couple more hours, but I didn’t feel nearly as upset about it.  It also helped that when the repairman arrived, he was friendly and helpful.  I found out that he had to drive from Carnation (I live in Seattle) and he could have been just as grumpy as I had been feeling, but he wasn’t.

Additionally, I discovered that my tweets on Twitter had been picked up by Sears (isn’t technology something?), and they called me to see how they could make things right.  Of course they couldn’t give me back the extra time it cost out of my day, but I did get someone to listen to me and my pain, which I think was all I really wanted anyway.

Change Yourself - Change The World

“I wanted to change the world. But I have found that the only thing one can be sure of changing is oneself.” -Aldous Huxley

For many of us, it's easier to look outside ourselves and see what needs to be changed in the world, or in other people.  How many times have you thought "If so-and-so would just do xyz, then everything would be fine."?

It's true that we do not have the power to make others (or the world as a whole) change in a specific way.  We only hold the power to choose how we would like to change ourselves.

However, by changing ourselves, we are changing the world.  This is true in several ways:

1. By definition, we are part of "the world."  If I change, the world is not the same as it was, hence the world has changed.
2. When I change the way I interact with you, it forces you to change in response.  I cannot necessarily predict how you will change, but certainly our interaction will be different if I am different.

As each of us makes conscious choices to change, the world cannot help but be changed.

As it was put so eloquently by Mahatma Gandhi, "Be the change you want to see in the world."

Changing the Fabric of Your Thought

“He who cannot change the very fabric of his thought will never be able to change reality, and will never, therefore, make any progress.” -Anwar Sadat

A friend shared this quote recently, and it really resonated with me and the work that I do.

Cognitive therapy, mindfulness, law of attraction and many spiritual beliefs all hinge on the idea that our thoughts create our reality.  They can't all be wrong!  By changing our thoughts, we can change our experience of life.

As I frequently explain to clients, any given event is neutral; it has no intrinsic meaning.  It has only the meaning that we give it.  As long was we stay stuck in old thought patterns that attribute meaning that bring suffering to us, we will not be able to change our reality to something we might prefer.

This is true of communication between two or more people, as well.  As long as we attribute motivations to others that create a negative experience for us, we cannot move into a place of changing and growing those relationships.  We are destined to stay stuck in a place we do not like very much.

It thrills me to know that we each have the power to alter how we experience any given event or interaction.  How great it is that!?

Is it Time to Break the Pattern?

Many times what brings clients in to work with me is that they are stuck in a pattern of behavior that is no longer working for them.  One pattern I see on a regular basis is the client doesn't like conflict, and so they avoid it or accommodate the other person.  Of course their needs don't get met this way. Over time they become resentful and eventually reach a point where they just can't take it anymore and choose to leave.

This may happen primarily in one situation (perhaps at work), or may be more pervasive, occurring throughout most relationships.  Regardless, the client comes to realize that they have a pattern and the way they are handling conflict is a not working for them.

Sometimes it is difficult to acknowledge that our way of coping doesn't work.  It can make us feel wrong, or feel stupid to continue doing something that doesn't work.

I remind people that the strategy did work at one point in time, or they would not have developed the habit of dealing with similar situations in that way. We don't repeat behavior that doesn't work the first time (usually).

It's helpful to acknowledge that this behavior did serve you at some time in the past, just no longer.  When you are able to accept that your old ways no longer work, you can open yourself to find new ways that do work.

Thoughts Create Emotions

As promised, here are my thoughts about happiness and choosing our thoughts about any given event.

Events are neutral, there is no universal “right” way to interpret or react to any event or circumstance.  What we choose to tell ourselves about the meaning of an event leads to how we feel about it.  By changing the meaning we make of it, we change our feeling about it.

For example, let’s say I was laid off from my job.  If the meaning I make of this is that  my employer viewed me as incompetent or not valuable, I may feel angry or resentful towards my employer, as well as feeling not good enough as a person.

If the meaning I make of this occurrence is that my employer selected me to be laid off because they viewed me as being the most able to find another job, and this reduced their discomfort at having let someone go, then I will more likely feel grateful and appreciated and confident that I have something valuable to offer another employer.

Or, I can choose to view this situation as something that says absolutely nothing about me as person, that it truly is a neutral event that has nothing to do with me personally.  The company needed to reduce by a certain number of employees, they chose to do that in a way that I may or may not understand or agree with, and it means nothing about my value or worth as a person or an employee – positive or negative.  It’s not about me, it’s about them.

Now, this does not mean that you will not have emotions such as fear about loss of income or sadness at loss of social contact with co-workers.  But when we don’t take it personally, or choose to view the situation overall in a positive light, accepting and feeling these other emotions is much easier.  And addressing the situation in which we find ourselves is easier, too.

In the above scenario, imagine how much easier it will be to focus on finding a new job if you believe the layoff is neutral or positive about you as a person.  You will feel confident of your abilities and value and can focus on the tasks required to find a new job.

On the other hand, if you are feeling angry, resentful and not good enough, a lot of the energy you could have used for job seeking will be spent on beating yourself (or your employer) up in your thoughts.

What do you think?  Do you agree with this idea?  What objections or questions arise in you when you consider this idea?

Laura Allan is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor Associate and Certified Professional Coach with a private practice in the Wallingford neighborhood of Seattle.  You may visit her website at www.LauraAllanCounseling.com. 

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A busy day!

I've had quite a busy day today getting my son ready to head off for three weeks in the wilderness tomorrow.  So many last minute things to get from the provided equipment list!  Who knew that "roughing it" required so much stuff!

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