Top 10 Reasons You Aren't Where You Want to Be - Reason #8

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Failure is success if we learn from it.
Malcolm Forbes

Any coach can point to a handful of clients who seemed to have all the talent, resources, and determination in the world, but for some reason, they were never able to reach their goals. They talked the talk, and walked the walk – for a while. But suddenly, they disappear into the sunset, becoming just a distant memory.

In my experience, it’s fear of failure that keeps these people stuck where they are, despite their resources and skill. They somehow figure that they’d rather be where they are, safe and sound, then venture out into the unknown and possibly not succeed that which they’ve set out to accomplish. They come up with every excuse in the book as to why they can’t do such-and-such:

-It’s too cold.

-It’s too hot.

-Everyone knows you don’t start (fill in the blank) in the summer (or winter, or fall, or spring).

-They need to take another class.

-They need to get their office ready.

-They need to wait for their youngest to start kindergarten, their oldest to start college, their husband to die, their wife to get well.

There’s always a reason why now is not the right time – but the real reason is that they’re simply afraid of not being able to make the grade. And then who knows what would happen if they (gasp!) failed?

Ironically, it’s the fear of failure actually causes them to fail! And they’re still alive, stuck in their little shell. So I guess failure wasn’t so bad after all, was it?

When working with people who have a fear of failure, sometimes direct questioning is the best method to get them to recognize their obstacle:

If not now, when?

If not you, who?

If you have this goal on your heart, then it’s there for a reason. You may be the only person who can bring that particular goal to reality in the exact way you dream of. If you don’t do it, no one will!

The truth is, there is never going to be a perfect time to start. And the truth is, you’ll likely have some stumbling blocks along the way. Everyone does. But you have to reach a point where staying where you are and never unwrapping your dream is more painful than any risk of misstep or failure. Then, and only then, will you be prepared to move forward. And I bet you’ll find it wasn’t anywhere near as scary as you thought it would be.

As the Nike ads say, "just do it." 

Top 10 Reasons You Aren't Where You Want to Be - Reason #7

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Reason #7: You Lack Stamina

Defeat is not the worst of failures. Not to have tried is the true failure.
George Edward Woodberry

Take a sprinter on a long run with a marathoner and you’ll notice something: The fastest man in the world isn’t so fast once you get past the first 10 miles. The marathoner, who started out at a more moderate pace, slowly overtakes the sprinter who has trained himself for short distances. It’s the classic tale of the tortoise and the hare.

If you tend to start out with a bang on a new idea or project, only to get discouraged when you hit that mental “wall” around mile 13, you may be out of shape. And while you may be banking on becoming the next overnight success, you need to know that:

1. The true overnight successes of today become the one-hit wonders of tomorrow, and
2. Most overnight successes were many years in the making.

Look behind virtually any rags-to-riches story, from Susan Boyd to Zappos, and you’ll see that years went into the preparation for their time in the limelight.

If you see yourself having trouble with your stamina, it’s time to work on building your endurance. Here are some exercises to help you:

1. Track your progress. Often progress is so incremental that you can become discouraged before you hit your goal. Write down the successes – small and large – and review them regularly to remind yourself that you are making progress. You may even want to make a large visual representation of your goal and track your progress towards it, just like schools put up huge thermometers to show how much money they’ve earned towards their pool fund.
2. Pace yourself. The marathoner knows that going out as fast as possible in the first mile is usually a recipe for disaster. Yes, you’re excited about your new venture, but keep some of that excitement in reserve. You may feel like staying up until all hours working on your business plan, and while that’s great, don’t expect to be able to maintain that level of commitment for weeks or months on end.
3. Cross-train. Find other activities to give you a break from your main focus. You just might find that time away from your goal refreshes and energizes you, and keeps you from burning out. Even if it’s just an evening a week, make sure you take mini-vacations.
4. Find a partner. Partners are great whether you’re heading to the gym or working your way through med school. Sometimes an outside commitment is needed to help you stay accountable and stay on track. Having someone who understands the challenges you’re facing can make all the difference between giving up and going on.

While a sprinter can be in great physical shape, most goals require a long-distance mindset. Remind yourself what the tortoise knew: Slow and steady wins the race. 

The Process for Success

Someone recently asked me what my secret to success is, and I had to stop and really think about the answer. For me, there is a process that can be applied to anything I want to create in my life - large or small. When I commit to this process, the chances of success are greatly increased.

1. Be clear about what you want, about your destination.

It's hard to get someplace if you don't know what that place is. Do I want to go to Venice, Italy or Venice, California? Do I want to go there by myself or with others? Am I going to travel by car, train, plane or on foot?

Some of us have difficulty even defining broadly what we want in our lives; we don't know we want to go to Venice at all, whether it be in California or Italy, we just know we want to get out of here - wherever here may be. Frequently this is because we get so caught up in trying to avoid what we don't want, that anything else looks good to us.

Additionally, many of us are uncomfortable getting specific about our goals because of a fear of failure. If I'm really clear and committed to my destination, what if I don't get there? What does that mean about me? What will others think about me? So we hide our dreams and goals, even from ourselves. Unfortunately, we cannot manifest what we want in our lives, if we aren't clear on what that is.

Brainstorming with others is a good way to break the log jam if you are stuck figuring out where you want to go in life. Journaling is another good tool. By recording a stream of consciousness about your dreams and desires for your life, a destination may begin to take shape.

2. Do the things that support achieving your goal, start on the road to your destination.

It's not enough to be clear about what we want, we also need to take steps that lead in the direction of our goal. I can't get to Venice (either California or Italy) from Seattle if I don't get in the car, get on a plane or start walking! Venice is not going to materialize in Seattle. I have to take some action.

The difficulty that we can run into in the action phase, is sometimes just knowing where to start. Sometimes the destination seems so far away (unattainable) that we are overwhelmed. Or maybe those doubts and self-limiting beliefs kick in and we're back to that fear of failure.

A good antidote to feeling stuck is to just start moving. As the Nike commercial says, "Just do it." Figure out a small, teeny, tiny step that you can take, then take it. You may be surprised how even a small success can fuel the fire, and start some momentum.

3. Be flexible; detours happen

Last, but not least, be flexible. Things happen that we don't expect and we don't want to let that throw us completely off course. If a roadblock appears, evaluate whether a detour is in order to continue towards your original destination, or whether it's possible that this particular roadblock is a signal that you may want to change your destination.

Commitment to your goals is important in this "success process" - and giving yourself permission to change your mind about what you want in your life is equally valuable. As we move closer to our destination and have more information, it may be perfectly reasonable to modify that destination.

I have found in my own life that applying the principles in this process have helped me move towards a more intentional and fulfilling life. I hope these ideas are useful for you, too.

Career Exploration: Finding Your Passion

Leaving the Familiar,
Embracing the Unknown

Martha sits at her desk, dreading yet another day of angry customers, a boss who’s impossible to please, and knows that by the end of the day, she’ll have eaten too many snacks to fill the empty hole within her. “Surely, there must be more to life than this – where’s that feeling of pleasure I used to feel in just doing the best job I could do?” she catches herself asking.

Dr. Lewis twirls around in his chair to view the x-rays while his assistant sets up for a procedure. “I wonder how many fillings I’ve done in my career,” he asks himself. “ … and how many more I’m going to do before I retire.” He’s surprised at the melancholy that washes over him, but really, these feelings have become more and more frequent. “I worked so hard and was so proud to become a dentist. This used to be enough – what’s happened? What’s changed?”

Martha and Dr. Lewis both are experiencing the first seeds of awareness that something needs to change in their careers. They’re both experiencing the first hint that things are not as they should be.

A famous line from a Robert Frost poem reads: “And if you’re lost enough to find yourself …”

One could certainly imagine this applying to the life transition that is career exploration! For it’s this feeling of being lost that often precludes a period of learning and growth, exciting new directions in our career, and the most wonderful discoveries within ourselves.

It’s both exhilarating and scary to begin this search for passion and meaning in our work lives – and one well worth exploring.

Career Exploration
As a Life Transition

There’s no doubt that career exploration is a transitional period in your life, and whether planned or unplanned, it carries with it conflicting emotions.

If it is a planned process such as graduation from college or the desire for a new career (no matter the precipitating reasons!), there is an undercurrent of excitement to be sure. This doesn’t mean that doubt won’t crowd your mind from time to time however.

If your career exploration was unplanned by something such as job loss or the death of a spouse, the challenges are all the more difficult. If this is the case for you, you may find the structure and support of a counselor or therapist to be an excellent alternative to going it alone. I’ll explain more about how a professional can help you in just a moment.

Seeking a New Direction

Gordon Moore, Founder and Chairman of Intel said, “It is extremely unlikely that anyone coming out of school with a technical degree will go into one area and stay there. Today’s students have to look forward to the excitement of probably having three or four careers.”

The reality today is that each of us will experience a period of career exploration, no matter the field. But the other reality is that preceding this period, feelings of emptiness and lack of motivation often are experienced.

Still, as Mr. Moore so aptly points out, this transition carries an element of excitement if we allow ourselves to relax and remain open to the immense possibilities before us.

What makes us eager to seek new direction? We generally move through two major phases in our career life, no matter how many individual jobs we may have.

Initially we’re motivated by proving our competence in a particular area. Indeed, our monetary and promotional rewards are based on a competency model.

Later in our career, anywhere from about 35 to 55, we begin to feel a stirring that perhaps competence in a certain area isn’t enough: we want to be motivated by meaningfulness in our career. And so we begin to search in new directions.

Consider Dr. Lewis whom we met earlier. After 15 to 20 years of doing an identical procedure such as a filling, he’s no longer motivated by simply doing a flawless job, so he begins to search for ways in which he can stretch and grow. In addition to an entirely new career, options for him might include mastering advanced cosmetic procedures or expanding into oral surgery – something to awaken the passion once more.

The point is, at a certain stage in our careers, after we’ve mastered the task at hand, we begin to search for more. This transitional time is discomforting to be sure, but necessary for our growth.

Maximize Your Chance for Success

Focus and direction are two major factors in your career exploration and this is often best gained by counseling with a trained coach or therapist who can help move you consistently forward.

Your path to your new career is unique and a trained professional can help you with accountability. Your therapist can provide assessment tools and strategies to help you uncover your strengths, interests, and training requirements for the new career you’re considering.

Obstacles are defined and strategies developed to help you move toward your goal – and your new career – with determination!

Self Care Strategies

Make use of self-care strategies, particularly during this time. Your transition into a new career will take time and effort and while you’ll likely strive to fill the gaps of time that result from one transition to another, try to avoid doing so. This is a time of learning and growth, of further defining who you are and your personal uniqueness.

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Laura Allan is a Registered Counselor and Certified Professional Coach practicing in Seattle, Washington. She has an M.A. degree in Applied Behavioral Science with concentration in Systems Counseling from Bastyr University. She also has a B.S. degree from Washington State University and an M.S. from Seattle University. She has additional specialized training in working with couples and eating disorders. You may visit her website at http://www.lauraallancounseling.com/.